The nightmare of life

Do you have nightmares? Have you ever woken in fear of your life or with dread in your mind because you witnessed or experienced something powerful and horrible? Isn’t it a relief to wake and find it’s not real? Wait a minute though; it is real! There is no instant escape, no pool of cold sweat to tut over, no chance to forget the images that confronted you. There is no one lying next to you to cuddle for the reassurance, that extra confirmation that it didn’t happen.

Imagine the world is reversed; you have to go to sleep to escape the nightmare. It’s just like ‘The Matrix’. Sleep to be the person you want to be, the person you need to be. A world where you are in control. I hear you say it is not so, but it is; for me and many people like me. You cannot understand unless, of course, you are like me. For a lot of my early years, I thought that I was cursed with some strange malady. How can a person not like themselves? I don’t mean the trivial moment when you make a silly mistake, forget something, cut your finger trying to open a stubborn plastic wrapper. I mean a real self loathing. When you look down at yourself or use a mirror and what you see is ugly. From the time you realise that your body has got something wrong with it that can’t be fixed by the medical science of the day. From the time you realise that the mere mention to anyone of your worries will get you condemnation, ridicule and violence. Your body becomes a prison cell and the outlook is a life sentence.

Now, I have the opportunity for parole from my custody. A few years left of my life to be who I want to be. It will never be perfect but I have to do my best. I am as free as I will ever be. I try not to look back because my past haunts me. It is not the past I would have liked. Fond memories and love do not dwell in my past, only the hiding, hate and violence.

Now I walk a tightrope, a delicate path I must tread carefully to maintain any sanity and normality. If I lose my footing I will fall into a black fog of despair; all the self loathing, the shame that I bred for myself, the fear of the world, of my future and more is swirling below me. I have slipped many times and yet I have managed to hang on, haul myself back; climb up and keep going forward. Medical intervention these past few years has helped me to keep my balance. It is not a cure though.

If you are truly like me, an individual at odds with themselves because the body you have is the wrong one, then you will understand. I don’t have to tell you how it feels. The biggest problem for you and me is trying to get the rest of the world to understand. For so long myself and others like me have been labelled as ‘sick’. I am sick; sick now. The world has made me sick through fear. The world has made me sick through dread. The world has made me sick because I have had to hide in the shadows. I can never fully recover now; but I could be better. I just need to be left alone to be the best that I can be within the confines of this carcass that I was born with. Is it too much to ask of the world? I am not going to hurt anyone. I am not going to corrupt anyone. I am not a pervert, a ‘kiddie feeler’; and I do not gain any sexual pleasure from wearing women’s clothes. I do not prey on women; the hormone pills and testosterone blockers have removed any sexual desires. I am more attracted to a meal of pork pie, fried egg and chips these days. I know, not good for my figure but at least the pleasure lasts longer.

If you are reading this, then you are probably trans. Only trans people have any interest in trans blog sites; as far as I know. How do I get ordinary people to read this, to understand?

Consider this; perhaps ordinary mortals are afraid of trans people. Are we the X-men (and women) of the future? Does our somewhat dual identity make us more tolerant of others? Are we going to shape the future and steer humanity away from self-destruction due to our greed and selfishness because we trans are more considerate people? There will always be exceptions, but I like to believe that we are better than ordinary people; we are special. That thought helps me to cope with the everyday.

Will future medical science allow trans women to make children so the human race will survive in, hopefully, a better world?

I can dream, can’t I?

I won’t be here to see it.

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